Stars and How They Correlate to My Mood
I’m perplexed. Contemplative. And altogether in a non-rowdy-I just want to sit with a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine) and look up at the stars sorta mood. I’m sitting here listening to my little Evan fall asleep. It’s a series of hums and verbal non-sense that he’s done pretty much since birth. I find it ever so endearing, this little quirk of his; which has absolutely nothing to do with why I’m writing this at the moment, but I wanted to mention it just the same.
I’m feeling frustrated.
I wrote that first sentence up there as a tweet-and thought it would make a perfect opening to a post about what I’ve been thinking about today and then a moment ago, a perfect opening to discussing my complete and utter feeling of ineptness.
To begin for the better part of six hours I’ve been thinking about the duality of people. The hypocrisy of some. Those who claim to be upstanding God fearing, gospel quoting humans who partake on a regular basis in gossip and such utter and complete nonsense.
People whom I want to trust-but who I feel I’ve got to keep at arms reach.
It’s disappointing. It really is. I’m done talking about it.
I mentioned a moment ago that I’ve been feeling inept. It’s because I am as I also stated-frustrated.
I’m frustrated because for weeks I’ve been wanting to sit down and put word to paper but I’ve not written a single word .
First I was spinning around, then I got sick and now with trying to get the house in order to sell and dealing with the day to day things by the time I sit down to write I’m exhausted and feeling pretty much like a failure.
Then I think to myself ,You’re making up excuses.
You’ve got plenty of time-you’re head isn’t in the game.
I’ve got to get my head in the game.
I need to clear my head.
Thus the feeling like I could go outside and sit on my deck with a glass of something and just look up. The world out there is so much bigger-my head trips are trivial in the grand scheme of things.
It’s perspective and determination I’m lacking at the moment. I keep telling myself, You’ll write again, once things settle down. When you aren’t standing before a big change.
The only problem I have with this thought train is this…
The world keeps spinning, the trains keep coming and going and I need to jump onto another train of thought. I’m not particularly fond of where this one is headed.
Oh…In case you were wondering, Evan has just drifted off to sleep.
*smile*sigh*
Love & Starry Skies,
nicóle
Photo: weheartit.com
Read MoreLittle Ms. Sunshine
Sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on*
Last week was a rough week for me. Yes. Even I, miss happy and nauseatingly positive can have a bad week. I have a lot on my mind, I worry constantly about a few people in my life and well, life in general right now isn’t a whole lot of fun, and I got depressed. (For those who know me personally don’t get your panties in a bunch, my family life is perfectly fine-it’s other things…)
I was in a funk, I normally am a very sensitive person who tears up at sappy commercials, so me depressed is an even weepier mess. You may have noticed that I didn’t post anything last week-it wasn’t for lack of desire-or lack of things to say, but more because I was doing a bit of self reflection. An investigation in myself. I re-evaluated a few things and came to a few conclusions.
They were:
I realized that the reason I began blogging was to write-but I’ve not done a whole lot of that. I’ve mentioned this before and I am more than annoyed at myself for not following through with my goals. I created www.writerdance.com specifically to journal and write about my writing. Redundant? Perhaps; but it’s something I want to do and if memory serves, the last time I posted anything on Writer Dance was in March.
I need to focus less on the outside world and worrying about other people and focus more on myself. Even writing this I find it highly distasteful, because it really does go against who I am, but I need to put myself first right now. I realize this may make me less available for a few friends, I feel bad about it-but frankly it’s just something that I need to do.
I need to manage my time online better. I spend way to much time socializing online-I enjoy doing this especially since it comprises much of my “social” life at the moment. However it is interfering with the time I’d normally spend writing, writing makes me happy. So I’m going to set specific times that I’ll be a social butterfly and specific times that I’m going to spend doing something that is important to me…writing.
I need to focus on a few of my most important goals. I’ve always been a goal oriented person and not focusing on my goals bugs the crap out of me-I’m beyond annoyed with myself for letting a lot of bullshit (mostly my own) get in the way of working towards them.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been depressed, I am only human, but because most people know me for being sunshine they tend to get a little freaked. I promise, I’m okay.
Even Little Ms. Sunshine can get caught up in a cloudy day…or seven.
*Lyrics by Blue October “Picking Up The Pieces”
Read MoreEverything Leaves a Mark
Everything leaves a mark. It’s true. The simplest of acts can cause an indelible mark on our own lives or on someone else. Chances are we won’t even realize it-the marks that get left on our lives or those that we leave on others. Today I’m thinking about the marks we do notice. Sometimes something so amazing or horrible or wonderful and beautiful or disastrous can happen to us and it is how we react to these circumstances that really make the difference as to whether or not these marks effect us in some profound way or another.
For instance, Monday morning I awoke to my husband’s noisy morning preparations as he got ready for his day and instead of simply laying in bed trying to fall back to sleep I got up and said “good morning” to him. Turns out we had a pretty nice chat in the two minutes we spoke before he left for work. It was only two minutes but it was two minutes more than I would have had with him that day. Its those little things that leave a great mark on us I’m sure my husband didn’t realize how seeing his goofy grin as he pulled out of our driveway made me smile hours later but it did. Something else occurred as I stood at our front door and waved him off to work.
I watched the sun rise. The way the clouds changed from a lavender peachy pink to bright orange as the sun rose was breathtaking and had I chosen to stay in bed I would have missed that too. Missed out on the beautiful sun rising-sure it does it everyday but taking the time to notice left a mark and I don’t think I will ever forget how that simple sunrise took the breath right out of me.
It was just a simple moment. Nothing really profound, but in my humble opinion a profound life is made up of simple moments. I think having the ability to appreciate them and be grateful for them is how I chose to recognize the way those simple moments mark my life.
I think it also helps me keep my positive attitude when life feels like crap it’s probably why I say things like “It’s good luck!” when I drop an egg all over my freshly cleaned floor. I know for certain that it is what makes me jubilant when something truly amazing happens allowing me to basque in those wonderful moments grateful for the marks they leave on me.
Photo: http://its-never-felt-so-real.tumblr.com/post/282913737
Read MoreEasily Distracted
I don’t know what is up with me today, but every time I sat down at any number of my computers to get any work done. By work I mean writing, I couldn’t concentrate. Try as I might I was easily led astray by Facebook, Twitter, jordan almonds, jelly beans, my playlist, other blogs I like to read, you name it I was distracted by it.
Earlier this afternoon after two hours of sitting and getting absolutely nothing accomplished (I couldn’t even manage to come up with a blog post) I decided to get my ass up and dust. I could’ve folded the two baskets of laundry that I washed yesterday but I’m not in the mood for laundry (maybe later as I watch Project Runway). I managed to dust every major surface in my home relatively quickly so when I’d finished with that I went on to the upstairs windows and cleaned those. When those were clean I then went on to the bathrooms.
Exciting I know. At least I feel as though I accomplished something.
I’ve been cleaning much more than usual the last week. Part of it is “Spring cleaning” but the other part is that no matter how much I clean, my home always feels like it’s a mess. It’s totally my kids’ fault.
But, if I’ve got to have a messy house-having them to blame it on sure is a good excuse!
Totally not my kitchen, but I think it’s lovely none-the-less.
Funkdified
I’m in a funk. I want to write. I certainly have a lot to write about-but my writing is so completely linked to my mood that I feel anything I write at this moment will be completely melancholy
and down trodden. The irony is-that I should be writing because writing is what makes me happy. I’m happiest after I’ve sat and had a good long bout of writing.
I can’t tell you how many times today I came to my blog, and looked at the “add new” tab, wanting to write-but not doing so-until now. And as I ramble I can feel that electric feeling that comes into my fingers as my brain synapses start to power up and zip back and forth and yet…I’m hesitant.
I’m feeling pretty listless and completely unambitious. Like a person who has found themselves in freezing water and begins to fall asleep when hypothermia settles into their organs. Sleep. That sounds very appealing. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been getting a lot of sleep lately-more than usual, has too much sleep screwed me up? I doubt that. I just feel like I’m drowning right now and I’ve got to find the energy to kick back up to the surface and tread water until the tide finally takes me home.
Read MoreThe Birthday Girl’s Reflection
On Sunday I turned…thirty-one. It has become a tradition of sorts for me to write a birthday reflection post. I’ve done so for the last couple of years, I like doing it… so don’t expect me to stop.
This year I decided to do something different.
On the afternoon of the thirty-first year of my birth I was sitting in my car mini-van with my two boys waiting for my husband to lock up the house. We were going out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. (I totally got carded at the restaurant BTW!) My son was doing something cute so I snapped a few pics. Then snapped a few more of me. The visor’s mirror was down and I started to think about my birthday post… and as I looked at the girl woman in the mirror I reflected on what I saw and how I’ve changed from the young woman of 21 to now. That twenty-one year old is still here in many respects, she’s just a whole heck of a lot wiser. I was very happy with the person I saw in the mirror as her regrets are few and she’s perfectly pleased with where she is in life.
Me at 31. What’s important to me: My marriage, my children, writing, family, friends…. being fabulous.
Me at 21. What was important to her: family, friends, being fabulous, Phi Mu, having an expertly crafted manicure.
Oh, and apparently we have the same taste in hairstyles…. and if this happens to be the first post of mine that you’ve read… no I haven’t had the same hairstyle for ten years… that would be decidedly un-fabulous!
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